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Team Conflict - Who Changes?
Erasing Team Conflict
Who Changes?

We were brought in to work with a team of midlevel IT managers. The goal for this multiple session consulting was "team building."  The structure was two group sessions plus individual coaching.

By the end of the first session, it was clear that there was not a group problem, rather, there were two team members who almost viscerally disliked and distrusted each other.

To make sense of this seriously impactful conflict, I used the first individual session to discover more about each person's style of handling conflict via the Five Rings of Strategy model.

Kathleen's style was predominately Ground and Fire.  She not only held to her position, she drove it forward through whatever obstacles might appear.

George's style was predominately Water and Wind.  He operated with a consensus management style that sought to avoid unnecessary conflict.

This set of differences was not the problem, only the challenge.

When presented with the executive translation of Musashi's Five Rings, Kathleen could barely grasp the value of the Water Strategy.  No matter how the story was told, she interpreted this strategy as weak and the consequence of using it, losing.

To better understand her misunderstanding (a.k.a., fear) of Water, I chose to use a martial arts sparring practice with her.  We began with Ground.  I wanted to see how solid she really was.  I asked her to hold her arm in front her chest like a wall that would resist my pressure.  She was like a rock.

Then I presented the following challenge.  As I pressed more strongly, her task was to maintain the strength of her arms resistance, while stepping backward.  This represents the martial strategy of Yielding without Loss.

She literally could not do this.  On the first attempt, she did not move back at all and seemed to forget what the game rules were.  By the fourth attempt, she would step back, but with an attitude of active resentment.

Working with George was completely different.  Once I took him through the conceptual model, he realized that his current style of not wanting to fight was the result of a decision he made in his youth when he realized the consequences of giving in to his frustration and need to win.

When he expressed his unwillingness to battle with Kathleen, I offered him a new interpretation of fighting that really excited him.  What if, there are two basic kinds of fighting: fight against someone or fighting for oneself?  And, what if there is a difference between fight poorly or fighting well?

I showed George the essential Ground way of handling conflict, that is, to sit forward and relax downward as your "opponent" makes her move.  This particular physical attitude spontaneously generates a solid presence, a committed mood, and a calm yet engaged demeanor.  By using this strategy, George could avoid the consequences he feared would happen if he returned the attack.

There is a "rule" of relationship that says that the party who is most able to respond is the one most responsible for doing what it takes to make it work.

So, I gave George a clear set of instructions and guidelines for meeting Kathleen's "attacks" with calm solidity.

When we met again as a group Kathleen reported a new respect for George.  George never told her what he did - nonverbally - to shift her story and behavior.
  

                    


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Style and the Magnitude of Response
Becoming a Powerful Leader
Style and the Magnitude of Response
 
Stephen, the CEO of a concrete manufacturing company felt frustrated and exhausted from dealing with his team's stubbornness and refusal to "get the message."

Sitting in their conference room, observing them in action, the source of the problem was very clear.  The first image I proposed to Stephen was that he was throwing twigs at stones.  He felt frustrated at their lack of response.  They experienced his commands as suggestions without any real commitment.

Stephen was the only member of the executive team who had ever taken any leadership training.  His greatest frustration came from dealing with Tim, the Plant Manager.  Tim began as a factory worker and through his solid presence and step-by-step approach, he worked his way up to his current position.

Stephen was the son of the founder and never worked in the factory itself.  After college, he joined the company as a manager.  After his father's death, he assumed control of the company.

In assessing a situation like this, I focus on two key questions.  1. What is the smallest set of new actions that will produce the greatest change?  2. Who are change makers in the company?

After a few conversations with the team members, it was obvious that Stephen was the key to the change process.  He not only needed to shift his own experience of working with the team, but he needed to shift his team's perception of him.  The company's continued success required him to become a powerful leader.

In the language of the Five Rings, Stephen operated with a Wind-dominant style.  His team's style was predominately Ground.

Ground is solid, heavy, resistant to pressure, and detail-oriented.  Wind is tenuous, light, easily moved, and big picture-oriented.

Ground does not mind fighting and has a high threshold for pressure, tension, and conflict.  Wind wants to avoid fighting and has a low threshold for pressure, etc.

Living in the world of Ground, you know that if you want one thing, you accept not having certain other things.  Living in the world of Wind, you can hold multiple goals and truths simultaneously.

The problem that Stephen faced was that his predominately Wind style was the product of trial-and-error learning.  Therefore, there was a lot more reactivity and control by habit than he realized.

Our leadership development strategy for Stephen was based on extending the positive Wind qualities to include the strengths of Ground.  Living in the world of Wind, it is natural to process events via thinking.  So we began with a discussion about "fighting." 

Stephen voiced the oft-heard Wind view that he (strongly) did not like to fight and that speaking with any sense of finality was too much like fighting to even contemplate.  This was to be the tipping point in his leadership development.

The essence of the conversation was that you can fight well or fight poorly.  It is from those who fight poorly that so many of the misunderstandings of conflict are invented.  I used a quote from Sun Tzu's The Art of War to show another way.  "Supreme excellence is winning without fighting."  In other words, if Stephen were to learn to fight well, then it would not even seem like "fighting."

Once Stephen got the concept, we shifted to a strategy from the martial art of influence.   If you want things to work smoothly, then meet people where they are.

Tim engages from Ground.  So I taught Stephen how to (authentically) create a Ground quality of presence for himself.  As a note, when working with strong Wind orientations, it is important to emphasize authenticity.

On of the key tools of our Five Rings Leadership approach is the relationship between postural balance and attitude.  In meetings, Stephen habitually leaned back in his chair with a high center of gravity, i.e., a Wind balance. 

The action plan we created for him had two components.  In the midst of a meeting, whenever he was just listening or thinking he should do what is normal, that is, hang out in Wind. 

When the moment arrived to either speak or listen as a leader, he was to first - say nothing and just shift his sitting position to have both feet solidly on the ground.  This usually required that he also shift his weight from the back of the chair toward the front.  Next he made an invisible balance shift of leaning a bit forward while relaxing downward.  To magnify the effectiveness of his Ground attitude, he was to place one of his hands palm down on his thigh while holding the intention that no one could possible pick it up.

At the next meeting, Stephen used this new non-verbal communication technique.  Tim began to lay out one of his usual complaints.  As Stephen shifted to a Ground attitude, you could watch Tim's inner conversation shift as he felt Stephen - for the first time - meet him, without fear or anger.  Speaking from Ground, Stephen addressed Tim's concerns.  By the way Tim's mood relaxed, everyone could tell that he believed that he was heard.

Debriefing Stephen afterwards, he was amazed that fighting well did not trigger any of his old negative stories about conflict.  For the first time, he realized that it was possible for him to become powerful without becoming angry.


  
                   






                   

Human Skills for Technical Managers: A NASA Project
Human Skills for Technical Managers
Developing Systems Engineer-Leaders for NASA

 
When first asked, engineers and other technical thinkers often state that technical competency is, overwhelmingly, the most important factor for professional success.  However, in practice and after serious thought, the answer usually expands to include leadership competencies as well.

In 2001, at Goddard Space Flight Center/NASA, a group came together to upgrade their current program (SEED) for developing the next generation of Systems Engineers.  One of the results was the decision to add a Human Factors segment to the training.

Our company, WALKING YOUR TALK, was contracted to develop The Applied Human Systems (AHS) component of the SEED program.  Our mandate was to develop an integrated set of models and practices to bridge the difficult to navigate gap between leadership goals and their actual attainment.  

Facilitated by a team from Transition Fitness, a team of senior Systems Engineers came together to engage in a discovery process that led to a list of ten mission critical leadership skills.  As the discussion deepened, it became obvious that the most essential skills that a systems engineer – leader at NASA required were the crucially important people skills that happen to be difficult to quantify.  These are often mislabeled as the “soft skills.”
 
The competency set chosen for the SEED project included: functional/technical skills, dealing with ambiguity, decision quality, integrity and trust, interpersonal savvy, priority setting, problem solving, building effective teams, conflict management, and timely decision-making.  

Each of these chosen competencies is also described in terms of ease of learning.  Dealing with Ambiguity, the highest ranked of the human skills, is considered to be at the highest level of learning difficulty (given how we normally train for these skills).

The AHS Program is a human technology that bypasses the historical and stylistic problems of teaching analytically oriented thinkers to develop the necessary leadership skills and qualities.  The method can be used to enhance confidence, team building, emotional intelligence, conflict management, leadership presence, and cross-cultural communication.    

The approach we’ve taken focuses on cultivating the habits of thought, feeling, and muscle that are necessary to transform the leadership goals as words into concrete skills.  It is based on multi-disciplinary Human Factors research. Our core premise is that the same principles that we use to study and optimize any system can be applied to the human system.  



 
                   





                   

Transforming Triggering into Respect
Rediscovering How to Be a Championship Team
Transforming Triggering into Respect

 
Recently, I spoke with Bob, a former corporate client.  Ten years earlier, I had worked with their three-person executive team who had successfully led their $100 million+ company through many transitions.

Somehow the easy give-and-take that had allowed them to move smoothly through difficult issues and personal tensions had vanished.  No one cut anyone any slack any more.  They were all easily triggered by everything anyone did.

They were facing a crucially important strategic planning retreat, one that would shape the company for years to come. Before the session, I met with each of them individually and observed them in meetings.  What I observed was that underlying their stories were three very different ways of handing conflict.
 
Gary enjoys combat.

Bob doesn't want to fight but will.

Tom doesn't want to fight and won't.

Here are the dynamics viewed through the language of Musashi’s Five Rings of Strategy. For more about this action-based model, read our paper, The Movement of Strategy.

Gary triggers Bob by his passion (a combination of the Water and Fire strategies). 

Bob triggers Gary by pulling away from him and not showing any response (a combination of the Wind and Ground strategies).

Tom is triggered by both Bob and Gary and gets frustrated and passive (a combination of the Wind and Water strategies).

Bob experiences Gary’s passion as a direct attack (a Wind interpretation of Fire).  Bob’s first reaction is to disengage from the encounter (a Wind reaction). Not able to leave the meeting, Bob then becomes solid and doesn’t show his feelings (a Ground reaction).

Not receiving the desired feedback, Gary reacts to Bob’s reaction to him by feeling disappointed and wanting to give up (a Fire and Water reaction).   Since Fire is more dominant than Water for Gary, he immediately comes forward again, with even more passion.  He continues this until he gets a response.

This in turn re-triggers Bob, and the Wind of pulling away transforms into the Wind of anger and criticism.  This, of course, retriggers Gary.  All in all, a nonproductive professional relationship.

And Tom says nothing.


THE STRATEGY: build mutual respect by leveraging the non-verbal dimension of communication.

To prepare them for a successful planning session, I showed them some easy-to-use non-verbal tools that promote mutual respect.  We also worked with a simple and powerful martial arts training exercise to upgrade their basic conflict response skills.

Bob demonstrates respect for Gary by leaning into the encounter, smiling when he agrees and frowning when he disagrees, that is, meet Fire with Fire.
 
Gary demonstrates respect for Bob by pausing in the midst of his passionate speaking to change the shape of his hands from a knife to a bowl and smiling to let Bob know that it is only his passion speaking and that he is not angry or attacking him.  This dissipates Bob’s Wind reaction.

Bob demonstrates respect for Tom by pausing, often and early, in the midst of his speaking and asking him if they are still in alignment. This acknowledges and honors Tom’s Water orientation.
 
Tom demonstrates respect for Bob and Gary by expressing his opinion. This satisfies Bob’s Ground and Gary's Fire.

During the retreat, we took periodic sparring breaks to release tension while expanding their conflict response options matrix.  Whenever necessary, I would pause the process to remind them to use the new respectful patterns instead of the habitual triggering ones.

The outcome was a successful strategic plan.  An added benefit was of a radical increase in brownie points; the hypothetical currency, which can be accrued by doing good deeds or earning favor in the eyes of another.

Working together in an atmosphere of respect rather than conflict, Tom rose to the occasion and took on the role of strategic planning facilitator, a role he continued for several years.

Returning to the beginning, the conversation with Bob, the former CEO and now Chairman of the Board, when we spoke he was literally on the way to their 2006 strategic planning retreat.

He realized that had forgotten these simple observations and had been girding himself for several days of conflict.  I reminded him of the power of the non-verbal respectful patterns.  This lifted his mood as he remembered that the session could be exciting instead of frustrating.

We often assume that conflicts, once handled, disappear forever.  Building new habits requires repetition, a.k.a. practice.

  
                   

 




                   

Jack and Sue - Process vs. Task Thinking


 
Imagine two people who have to interact on a regular basis, personally or professionally. They are both smart but in very different ways. These differences really show up under pressure. Each knows that they are “right” and each knows the other is “wrong.”  Facing each other directly, they talk past each other. 

We have ...
  • Jack - A task-oriented executive who now has to change his staff’s perception that he does not care about them as people.
Success now requires customer satisfaction with his own staff too.  He is afraid that if he shows his soft side he will lose his edge and self-respect.
  • Sue - A process-oriented executive who was fed up with not being heard in meetings.
All too often, he or she would speak out and nothing would happen.  Then later someone else would make the same point and be acknowledged.


These are two basic variations of the thinking temperament.  The process-oriented thinker operates with flow patterns.  The task-oriented thinker operates with structural patterns.

One cares more about the principles and the other about the relationships.  One works to manufacture results and fix problems and the other to cultivate results and communicate.

These two temperaments match two of the six major Centered Presence patterns. We use the term Centered Presence to refer to a practice that expands our attention to include our whole body.  It asks us to pay attention to legs and feet, arms and hands, spine and head, and breath.  For more, go to the Library of Movies where you can explore the Quiet Power version of CP.

From the non-verbal perspective, our two executives both begin the inner act of centering by finding their heads.  The differences between them are a function of which part they emphasize next.

    A.  Do you want to grasp it first before acting?                             1. Head   2. Hands

    B.  Do you want to experience it first before you decide?             1. Head   2. Feet


We call the Centered Presence State that you evoke via Head, Hands, and Feet, Decisive Thinking.  This is your Strong and Smart Will.

We call the Centered Presence State that you evoke via Head, Feet, and Hands, Thinking with Feeling.  This is your Sensitive and Smart Will.

To explore this yourself, here are the two different practices.

Decisive Thinking CP 

I have… 1. A spine and head. 2. Arms and hands.  3. Legs and feet.  4. I breathe.

Thinking with Feeling CP
I have… 1. A spine and head. 2. Legs and feet.  3. Arms and hands.  4. I breathe.


As you learn to let the changes happen, you will notice that the center of gravity of your breath is also different in each variation.  With Decisive Thinking, breath rises to fill your head.  With Thinking with Feeling, it settles to fill your chest.

What did you notice?  What shifted in your experience, thoughts, or attention?   The key to cultivating excellence, say the kung fu masters, is to do the practice so as to earn useful knowledge.
 
                   


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