The Chinese sage, Mencius, reminds us that although it is natural for us to have the virtues, it is also normal for us to have difficulties with them.

Kindness is one of the Seven Virtues and is defined as charity, compassion, friendship, and sympathy without prejudice and for its own sake.  In the Jewish tradition, deeds of kindness are equal in weight to all the commandments.

Aristotle spoke of excellence as a habit, not just a single act.  Given his years of practice, it is not surprising that it is now normal for the Dalai Lama to be kind.

Kindness is valuable because it is both so obvious and so rare.  Kindness can kindle kindness no matter how often we act or how sincere we are.  Kindness as a virtue is even more remarkable. 

When your heart, mind, and muscles come together in an act of kindness, you are practicing like the Dalai Lama himself.

There are other times when true kindness is expressed with the archetype of the blade, which cuts through space creating independence.  Think of a mother animal weaning her young.  This act of kindness can look very violent.

Margaret's Story

It was becoming painfully obvious to Margaret that her staff was about to erupt into revolt. She knew that from their point of view she seemed to utterly disregard their feelings but she felt that reaching the target was even more important.  Maintaining a very strong professional—personal boundary was something she had been practicing for a long time.

As I listened to and digested the two very different stories of Margaret and her team, several questions emerged:

Was she naturally cold and calculating or was this a learned behavior?

Were her boundaries solid or brittle?

Was her apparent lack of caring a choice, a habit or a defense?

Was she open to reinterpreting caring as being a core competency for an effective manager?

Were the non-verbal states that support kindness available to her?

I took as a given her belief in the value of respecting the boundaries between work life and home life.

I wanted to know more about how her boundary mechanism actually worked, that is, what subtle actions she took to keep the worlds apart.  I also wanted to explore the original purpose, motivation and skill set that built it in the first place.

For Margaret, we required a retooling-on-the-run approach.  I needed to design a simple practice that she could use in the midst of her work life, for taking the time to stop in order to practice was never going to happen.

Because she appeared to value accomplishment and tasks more than attending to people, I presented the warrior's view of the Five Rings of Strategy.

We began with the solid strength of Ground and the detachment of Wind.  She was also comfortable with the penetrating power of Fire.

Watching her closely as I introduced the Water strategies of yielding to pressure and adapting to situations, I could see a flash of tension - like a wall suddenly appearing - in her chest region. 

If she tightened up just from the idea of yielding as a strategy, then no wonder she doesn't stop for people.  It was as though her nervous system was saying that to relate with empathy and care was to risk loss and death.

Returning to the practice of kindness, when it lives only as a conscious ideal sustained by meaningful words and not by its non-verbal and energetic dimensions, it should not be surprising that it doesn't manifest as often or as well as it could.

Since it appeared that she literally did not have the moves that encouraged listening, our first step was to stretch her repertoire.  As a way of aligning with her bureaucracy of habits, I first showed her, with diagrams and then in motion, what yielding done poorly looked like.

When Water is overshadowed by Wind giving in often turns into giving up.

When Water spills into Ground yielding can become staying stuck.

Now it was time to show her how Water moved when it was at its best - yielding and then returning -- the movement of resilience and the dance of cooperation.

Given that this was a very new idea, I taught her a two-part practice that she could even do at work.  Named, Yielding without Loss, it combines a Ground Balance and Carriage with the Water response.

To help Margaret build a new set of experiences, we began by evoking the non-verbal dimension of a calm and solid state of mind with the simple practice of shifting her balance slightly to the front and then relaxing downward.

As I stepped forward to speak with her, I asked her to maintain her front and down center as she moved one foot back.  She immediately reported that she didn't feel her usual overwhelm or frustration.

Then we tried it her normal way, that is, trying to stand her ground while stuffing the fear and tension.  By her response, I was able to show her that her system has historically confused Wind and Water.

At our next meeting, she reported that although her habit was well defended, when she used the new Ground—Water move, she was able to stop, listen and demonstrate that she did, in fact, care.

In a later session, Margaret wanted to strengthen her capacity to be accepting of others.

Honoring both nature and the truth of habit, you can draw out, strengthen, and refine what is natural for you to have.

Then, acting with the genuine randomness of spontaneity, kindness may become your new norm.