I spoke with Bob, a former corporate client.  Ten years earlier, I had worked with their three-person executive team who had successfully led their $100 million+ company through many transitions.

Somehow the easy give-and-take that had allowed them to move smoothly through difficult issues and personal tensions had vanished.  No one cut anyone any slack any more.  They were all easily triggered by everything anyone did.  They were facing a crucially important strategic planning retreat, one that would shape the company for years to come.

Before the session, I met with each of them individually and observed them in meetings.  What I observed was that underlying their stories were three very different ways of handing conflict.

Bob doesn't want to fight but will.

Tom doesn't want to fight and won't.

Gary triggers Bob by his passion, which is a combination of the Water and Fire strategies. 

Bob triggers Gary by pulling away from him and not showing any response, which is a combination of the Wind and Ground strategies).

Tom is triggered by both Bob and Gary and becomes frustrated and passive, which is a combination of the Wind and Water strategies.

Bob experiences Gary’s passion as a direct attack (a Wind interpretation of Fire).  His first reaction is to disengage from the encounter (a Wind reaction).

Not able to leave the meeting, Bob then becomes solid and doesn’t show his feelings (a Ground reaction).

Not receiving the desired feedback, Gary reacts to Bob’s reaction to him by feeling disappointed and wanting to pull back from the engagement (a Fire and Water reaction).

Since Fire is more dominant than Water for Gary, he immediately comes forward again, with even more passion.  He continues this until he gets a response.

This in turn re-triggers Bob, and the Wind of disconnecting transforms into the Wind of anger and criticism.  This, of course, retriggers Gary.  All in all, this is not a productive professional relationship.

And Tom says nothing.

The strategy: build mutual respect by leveraging the non-verbal dimension of communication.

To prepare them for a successful planning session, I showed them some easy-to-use non-verbal tools that promote mutual respect.  We also worked with a simple and powerful martial arts training exercise to upgrade their basic conflict response skills.

Bob demonstrates respect for Gary by leaning into the encounter, smiling when he agrees and frowning when he disagrees, that is, meet Fire with Fire.

Gary demonstrates respect for Bob by pausing in the midst of his passionate speaking to change the shape of his hands from a knife to a bowl and smiling to let Bob know that it is only his passion speaking and that he is not angry or attacking him.  This dissipates Bob’s Wind reaction.

Bob demonstrates respect for Tom by pausing, often and early, in the midst of his speaking and asking him if they are still in alignment. This acknowledges and honors Tom’s Water orientation.

Tom demonstrates respect for Bob and Gary by expressing his opinion. This satisfies Bob’s Ground and Gary’s Fire.

During the retreat, we took periodic sparring breaks to release tension while expanding their conflict response options matrix.  Whenever necessary, I would pause the process to remind them to use the new respectful patterns instead of the habitual triggering ones.

The outcome was a successful strategic plan.  An added benefit was a radical increase in “brownie points”; the hypothetical currency, which can be accrued by doing good deeds or earning favor in the eyes of another.

Working together in an atmosphere of respect rather than conflict, Tom rose to the occasion and took on the role of strategic planning facilitator, a role he continued for several years.

Returning to the beginning, the conversation with Bob, the former CEO and now Chairman of the Board, when we spoke he was literally on the way to their 2006 strategic planning retreat. 

He realized that had forgotten these simple observations and had been girding himself for several days of conflict.  I reminded him of the power of the non-verbal respectful patterns.  This lifted his mood as he remembered that the session could be exciting instead of frustrating.

We often assume that conflicts, once handled, disappear forever.  Building new habits requires repetition, a.k.a. practice.